This week I haven't been sleeping very good, I find myself remembering situations with Averie that are now very obvious signs of just how much she truly can't see. I remember being at her soccer practice and when they would break for a drink she would kind of wonder aimlessly around, I specifically remember thinking to myself "What is she doing, she looks like she can't see where all the water bottles are lined up." Or when practice was over Aves wouldn't be able to find us, even though we (like seven of us) sat in the same spot the whole game, again I specifically remember thinking "It looks like she is looking right thru me, how does she not see me?" Mollie and I have experienced similar situations seperatly at the grocery store. Where Aves will be looking at something on the shelf and not see us move down the isle maybe four or five feet away and all of a sudden Averie literally starts to panic and starts screaming our names while turning around in circles searching for us, all the while, eeirly looking right thru us.
I know there isn't more I could have done, I know I am doing everything I can now, I still feel terrible. I want to think that I am remembering all of these situations because I am now starting to get answers, and I am not in denial about what this diagnosis means for our future. But I am afraid these memories are going to haunt me (forever). I feel like I know Aves has vision problems but I don't know to what caliber, like I can't relate. I wish there was a way for me to see what she sees to get an idea of what her world is. I am going to make sure to ask the doctor about that. I would imagine there is maybe a pair of glasses I could get that would mock what Aves sees, (kind of like the beer goggles that are out there).
Another one of my late night thoughts was about me getting lasik. I got lasik back in November 2007 and it was mainly for Averie, she was almost one and I did like being unable to see her in the middle of the night without finding my glasses first or haveing to wear my glasses in the pool, or playing softball in the rain with glasses was such a pain. NOW I wish I hadn't had the lasik I know that sounds so stupid but maybe then I could relate...
Ugh, is my favorite onamonapia.
XOXO,
~Annie
Ugh, I can relate to that. But ... as a parent, and as your mom, there will always be things that we wish we could change or do over, but we can't. We can only do the best we can and be the best parent we can be. Growing up, that was what Papa always told me ... "just do the best you can." We are now doing the "best" we can for Averie. I also remember those soccer practices, and I wondered why she never ran to the right color corner, but rather waited until the other kids started running. I wondered why at blast ball she never went to snag the ball when it was hit and she said "I'm was too stressed." But you know what? Averie is only 4 and I think we caught it early Annie. Don't beat yourself up over something we didn't know. We know now, so we have to do the "best" for Averie. She is such an amazing, unbelievable little girl. She has touched our lives and our hearts and we are all blessed by her being in our lives. And we will all be here for her. And always will be. As I said before ... I think God has BIG plans for Averie and this is only the beginning.
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Mom